Career home hunting

I’m up early, five thirty, and brewing coffee while the computer warms up. Today I’ll come home with the prise. I spent three hours at Domain last night carefully documenting affordable lettings, their viewing times and agents contacts. This morning I’ll create a calendar of viewings first to last and review my documents but as I’m up so early, I’ve time for a walk and that never fails to get blood to the brain where it’s needed on days like these. Wow, only a quarter way through the walk and its working already. I can probably download applications for the most likely places and have them filled out in advance. That’ll give me an edge. Boy can’t wait to get back to Miss Computer.

This is my agitated state of my mind as I commence another Saturday of home hunting. No alarms were required this morning. I must have checked the clock forty times in the last two hours before rising. A far cry from the normal stance I take to the arrival of the weekend which is more like a cat stretching in the sun in anticipation of a bowl of Wiskas. No this is work, hard work, harder than work. I’d much prefer to be at work as I should be. Taking yet another Saturday off only ads to the stress and that pimping boss of mine thinks he’s the looser and that I owe him.

Now let’s see, “Castle at Leichhardt” at 10.00 AM sounds good and it’s listed by Callaghers. I use to lease from them in Annandale, must be seven or eight years ago before Alice came to live with me, the one bedroom with only west facing windows. On hot summer afternoons I used to get home, take one look at those windows and drive on to the nearest air conditioned pub till the sun went down. Come to think they congratulated me for my cleanliness when I left it. Feed-back from an estate agent, how rare is that, especially the positive kind? Should be worth a credit, I must contrive to bring it up if I apply. What am I saying, if I apply? Of course I’ll apply. I apply for all of them don’t I. I have to in the hope that eventually, by sheer force of weight one will fall my way, sort of a law of averages thing.

I feel fairly positive about my rental CV. Anglo, adult, employed, no pets, non smoker, good rental record though I sometimes wonder do some of these youthful agents balk at my DOB and think I’ll die on their shift. I also fret that they’ll notice that their rent is more than half of my take home pay and reflect that their professor always said that ones mortgage/rent should not exceed one third of income, as of course it doesn’t, in an ivory tower. I fret for the young dark skinned girls in head scarves who so enthusiastically fill the applications, using the gas meter box as desk, in the dim hope that first in will be best served. I’m shamed to compete with that gentle Indonesian guy who speaks and presumably reads English equally poorly, struggling with the application while trying to manage his toddler son/ADD candidate.

Illawarra Road Marrickville will be the next “must see” at 11.00 though I may squeeze in Brock Street Newtown at 10.45 for a fly through on the way. I looked at Illawarra Road from outside after viewing Robert Street Marrickville last Wednesday. Judging by the scrutiny I came under from the two old boys there I would be safe and in “good” company and its’ got a good North aspect and price at “only” $235.00. Wonder what’s wrong with it? Did I tell you about Robert street? A two bedroom seventies red brick unit for $230.00, had to have something wrong didn’t it? A distinct damp smell from the foyer but what is it? Mmm, rising damp to chest height in this second bedroom’s not too good. Wait on that’s not “rising” damp, that wall adjoins the bathroom and there’s obviously been a disaster of tsunami proportion in here. Washed the tiles clean off the wall and this kitchen, I think someone had a hangi in here, either that or the third division of Ghurkha lancers bivouacked here recently. Is that really dark brown carpet or is that earth? I’m certainly not touching it to find out. Now I recognise that smell, its sweat. Obviously those Ghurkhas didn’t understand the concept of double hung windows. Yes it was that place on which The Daily Telegraph just loves to base a four page expose of wilful tenant vandalism. Never though have I seen an expose on the wilful estate agent rectitude that would justify the leasing of such premises.

At 12.30 it’s 2/9A Francis Street Enmore, prophetic eh. Like the next version of my current 2/9 with Johns middle name though I’m not sure how he became involved in my rental search prophesy. If that’s not spooky enough then get this. I went to look at it from outside on Thursday evening and noticed that number 7 is called; are you ready for this, “Lismore”. It’s not uncommon for helpless people in untenable situations to grasp at superstition. Like those folk cowering in their cave millions of years ago as the lightning and thunder cracked outside. On second thought at least they had their cave and I’ve got to finish this list with lets see, Glebe at 1.30 and glebe again at 2.15, that’s it.

Times flying and I’ve managed to download Callagher’s application forms but neither Domain for Marrickville nor Maxwell J Ward for Enmore have applications on line. I slip up the street to Maxwell’s, as there quite close and glory be there old timers with an old form that looks like it came of a Roneo machine with that eras simple questions. Though I’m pressed for time its worth mentioning here that today’s rental application form, though not standardised, is as complex, ambiguous and confusing a document as anyone could hope to design and it’s tempting to think that their authors went to the same college as Centerlink and taxation staff. These forms unapologetically demand many personal details that whilst superficially relevant, are much more than we would easily reveal to any agency other than the police and then only at the twelfth hour of sleepless interrogation. All this information is gathered without there even once providing the least guarantee as to what they may or may not do with it. It’s astonishing really how much of our souls we are prepared to bear when faced with the risk of living in the street. I wouldn’t mind so if there were a little tit for tat so that when I divulge my tenancy history dating back through at the least my last two agents including bond release details reason for termination and references etc, they would release their history of management of the property in question. I would love to know why the previous, or still current tenant in most instances, was leaving. When the last rent rise was and what percentage of the previous rent did that represent? What are the landlord’s plans for the property? These are the things I’d like to know.

Now I’m rushing and I’ve not yet showered or washed my hair and I’m still undecided about what to wear. Jeans and a white shirt as last week had been my thinking but these jeans stink even though I hung them up to air. I wonder if I threw some of this ten year old after shave on them would it help. Why did the canker on my nose choose now to display so inflamed? Omygawd car wont start, c-mon, c-mon, Ah phew.

Well here we are awaiting an agent at the Callagher Castle in Leichhardt and it’s worth describing my company. At first count there’s just eighteen of us, four couples, seven single females under thirty, obviously the word castle struck a chord with some would be princesses, and three single males, self included. But wait heres three more princesses and two of them are a couple. What’s this now, in convertible BMW with top down another princess with a daddy. Oh how embarrassing. At first it is embarrassing to arrive for viewings. Must be similar for people auditioning you’re all strangers here united by your rivalry. You suss and asses one another’s prospects imagining the rules to this game run by the agents like Dicko and his fellow judges on Search… It’s a shame to ignore the potential of these crowds I Imagine getting a trailer with a BBQ following the circuit doing a sausage sizzle, perhaps doing badges and T-shirts. “I viewed The Castle”. Is there a tenants union I could be a rep.
Finally the agent arrives in Mercedes Smart mini car with logo paint job and fifteen minutes late. There’s been much shuffling of schedules and agitated looks to precede this arrival so now it’s the agent’s time of embarrassment as she clumsily parks the unfamiliar car and struggles free in classic three inch heels, pencil skirt and lacy blouse to apologise to the masses without lifting her gaze from her next step. Now the hilarity begins as this forty odd crowd, who up till now straggled aimlessly about this nondescript suburban corner, are transformed like sheep at the arrival of the sheep dog, to assume form and follow. First amusingly to a front door which will not obey the key and open, as agent wobbles Pied Piper like around the building on a corner the crowd follow all the way into the yard and the back door, at least 300 of a 360 degree trip.

I know your all dying to hear the inside Castle story so here goes. Only the most boisterous of the princesses would approve of the “bathroom” on the ground floor of a narrow entrance corridor featuring shower in bath and pan but not much else. The rest of the accommodations were up a shoulder wide staircase enclosed both sides so that the only way to fall was down their precipitous steepness. Perfect for one who goes at least once a night and sometimes three times. City views though arched top windows from living area was a nice touch but I was concerned about a folded sheet of plastic on the stained lounge room carpet with a note saying “do not remove, for leak” The kitchen was there, down another few stairs to fall on but the major concern, to any thinking person, had to be how to bring in furniture. In summation I would say similarly depressing and leave it to you to interpret this assessment.

No time now to mess about in Newtown and risk being caught in its traffic jamb, Its straight off to Marrickville for a better investment of my time. Could that Domain Property on my right be the Domain Property whose rental application was not on line? Can’t hurt to see as long as no cop cops me in this no standing zone. Ah, twenty minutes to viewing time, let’s get cracking on this form. Hmm, I’ve got all the documentation they want and more. I haven’t told you about documentation have I. Many agents have this identification scheme similar to the one the banks use for those opening an account where points which must be accumulated to at least one hundred are apportioned to different documents. For this purpose applicants are well advised to have on hand, last four rent receipts 30, last three pay slips 30, last two bank statements 30, copy of rates notice 50, tenancy ledger report 50, drivers licence 30, passport 20, car registration papers 20, written reference from previous agent 20 (obviously they place little value on the integrity of their own kind), gas, electricity or phone bill 10, other photo ID (Uni. or TAFE card) 20, birth certificate 10, copy of employment contract 30. As different agents have different protocols and different point allocations, applicants are well advised to have all or as many of these as possible on hand. In addition some have extraordinary and mandatory demands such as for SELF EMPLOYED; copy of tax return, copy of Office of Fare Trading Business Registration, Trading references. Or LIVING AT HOME; copy of parents Rates Notice, Letter from parents stating board amount paid or guarantor authority. Many also demand copies of last three pay slips and written references from employers. In share situations each person over 18 years of age must supply separate application forms. My advice to you youngsters is to stay at home till your parents buy you out. Just skip this renting, sharing phase.

Woah, so carried away with form filling I didn’t notice its already five minutes into the fifteen minute viewing time. Sorry got to go.

Well the thought of that three story walk up will make me careful that I’ve got everything from the car, and that I capitalise on my trips out. It’s pretty dirty and the bathroom smells funny but what’s new about that. Both rooms have north facing windows and with those clip in fly screens from Bunnings I should be able to leave them up most of the time and let nature purge the previous tenant. The rent’s good at $235.00 and the kitchen is way overkill for my humble needs but I guess I can use the cupboards as book shelves or something. I’ll take it. Ahhh for the days when that’s all it took. Anyway I’ll apply and hope for the best. At least there weren’t many viewers.

Now for the big one, the place of prophesy in Enmore. Plenty of time and just as well as I need a leak. I’ll slip into the Warren View which will still be so handy. What’s this, mid-day and still not open. Wait there’s blokes in there, ahh, ones coming. Well they have no power, probably forgot to pay the bill. Imagine all that good beer going off without refrigeration. Welcome to global warming I say. At least when we’re all living in cardboard under the bridge I’ll be the experienced one. Don’t fret though; you know I won’t be able to resist writing the manual.

That’s it, that’s the one; I knew it would be, all those omens couldn’t be wrong. It’s like those places my friends and I lived in so long ago in our mid twenties. Grand old joint all carved up into indescribable flats with bathrooms and kitchens stuck in any nook and rooms of grand proportion. On second thought, of human proportion, It’s easy to forget that that post fifties builders threw out the book that described the proportions of human life and introduced eight foot (2.4m) ceilings and ten foot (3m) cubes in place of rooms in their “units” that replaced our “flats”

I’ve lodged my application and I’m having a hot Ole-Burger but I’m so agitated. Hope I don’t get indigestion. Next stop is Glebe at 1.30. A studio above a shop but massive according to the add. OK chin up lets go.
No I couldn’t live here. It’s just one stop away from the cardboard under the bridge and they want $250.00. Have these agents no integrity. Am I next to see a stack of used tyres at a bargain $200.00. Oh my.

Next was a real one bedroom unit in Glebe point Road and here again were the crowd. I tried to count them, over sixty probably a hundred. The crowds are the incredible aspect of this quest. Last weekend in Annandale I thought I’d mistakenly come to the Royal Easter Show. It got to the point that whenever I saw a crowd I stopped to investigate. I got to go to a very nice kiddies party in a park but I wasn’t fooled by those cues at football parks, too centered, not random and fretful like the viewers cue.

Stay tuned